Wednesday, August 5, 2009

A short rant for sanitys sake as 30 nears.

In a few days i will be turning thirty and I cant help but take stock. I have 3 crazy, great, frustrating, entertaining, frustrating, loving, unique, frustrating kids. A great wife and family, a reliable car, a very nice house, some really cool animals, great roomates who God put in our lives at just the right time. It's easy to focus on the negatives, no job, kristy is not happy with her job, paytons ongoing struggles, bills bills bills. But for the last few weeks it has been some very diferent feelings going on. Allow me to rant for a while, Bull Durham style if you will.

I am so happy with how in shape i am but dadgumit sometimes i just need a whopper or pizza or bbq sausage with fries & i shouldnt feel bad about it.

I miss my grandma who's birthday is tomorrow. I miss the Alabama house and the smell of Alabama summer,rain, and burning trash. Awesome, you cant understand.

I hate seeing stickers and tags on new hats on not only kids but on retarted adults attempting to identify with their kids they spend 1 hour a week with and wonder why their relationship sucks.

I love teaching my kids, reading books, and darn it there aint nothing wrong with letting them watch a 2 hour movie. I am not a bad parent so bite me parenting magazine.

I love God, my family, a good baseball game, a cloudy muggy day, looking through my bag of collected sharks teeth, rum and dr. pepper, college football, manatees, our portable dvd player, family geneology, sex with my wife on a cloudy morning after we sleep in, fantasy baseball, and spicy peppered beef jerkey. I love the look people give me out in public when payton is laying in the clothes isle screaming and crying and I give them a look that partly says you have no idea what i go through daily in my life and partly if you want to say something come do it and then i will go all ufc on you.

I hate dora, mapquest, markers on my couch, the sounds of toys crashing as they are thrown, twitching so much that my head hurts pretty consistantly and tourettes overall, feeling lost and scared, change, pedro martinez and manny ramirez, pretty much any vegetables.

Most of all I hate the pain I feel inside from being away from the ocean. It's an ache thats always there but after the last trip to san diego seeing the water and sea world and having dolphins swim right up to us in the ocean. Feeling what I felt is a joy that i cant even describe and then coming back home where you cant do anything between 10 am and 7 pm when it cools down and even then all you can think do do around here is to go shopping in mall or pay 40 bucks a person to go to a water park. It's a sadness i cant describe. I am complete in the ocean. There it all makes sense. Above water you look out thinking about all the problems in your life and the fear seeing a flat blue line of possiblility. Its calm and peaceful and inviting. Then, especially when you snorkel you see the entire new world beneath you. Once your head gets in the water its silent there are no thoughts. There in the quiet you find God you feel his power as simple water scoops you up and tosses you wherever it wants. As dolphins race around you, as you see a school of hundreds of fish, you see a stingray uncover itself and dart off, the life of a reef. I love it I crave it. I grew up with it and I swear I will grow old with it. Here are some of my favorite water moments. Deo Vindice me and a manatee in orlando hot springs


Stephanie said...

Well James, you made me cry. Having lived longer than you, I too miss all those things you talked about even more than you.
Most of all I miss my Mom.
I pray that you will find the sanity that you feel in the ocean somehow in this place you are now. After all we do have each other. I Love You

Leah Jenks said...

That was quite a moment you had there. I'm sorry that things feel so heavy sometimes...I can see it living with you. I feel the desire for a different climate than the 112 degree AZ weather. Keep on keepin brother